Day 4 of being job free. I am coming to find joy in the fact that I was fired. The frustration that I felt over the fact that I was fired, and the manner in which it occurred has begun to pass. I am now grateful to be free of that situation. I have been praying for 3 months to be set free from it, but I had thought that I'd have another job and be quitting, not getting fired. I don't like having that on my record, it's just like getting an "F" in school, the implication is the same, you just didn't make the cut, you didn't do the work, you lacked effort. That's not the case though. It's like I was doing the work for a class I never signed up for or was duped into taking believing that it was something that it wasn't. Can you really fail if you were deceived to begin with? The job turned out to be something completely different than what I had signed up for, with rules that constantly changed as soon as I began to succeed. Frustrating to the extreme. Did I fail or was it sabotage? Either way I learned a lot of what not to do's, and developed a strong aversion to dirty dishes, rotting food, messy houses, and strong ideas on potty training and child care. That's something to take away.
Now I am just glad to be free. Reveling in it actually. The burden is gone, the stress has vanished, I'm remembering how to truly laugh, relax and have fun again. I didn't realize just how much this terrible job was leaching from me, mentally, physically, spiritually. It's good now to be free. To escape. Praise God for setting me free. It truly is an answered prayer, maybe not answered the way I thought it would be, but God never seems to work the way we expect. He has His own way of doing things, while they don't make sense at first, or sometimes ever, in the end the results are perfect.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
God is great, Beer is good and people are crazy...
I just realized that it's been a very long time since I've written anything. I miss writing. So much has been going on, it's hard to keep it all straight.
The biggest and possible the best change has to be losing my job last night. While it was infuriating and stupid the way it happened it is good to be free. So many horror stories to tell. This has to possibly be one of the worst jobs I have ever worked. After working a year for this woman, each day progressively worst than the last, culminating in getting in trouble for not allowing a 4 year old to play with cleaning products, being belittled and treated like crap, she fired me via text message last night.
I'd like to say I'm upset about this but really I'm just relieved. I am so glad to finally be free from the toxicity. It is hard letting go of the tension that has built up and releasing the emotional burden that I have been carrying for a year now. It's weird to finally be stepping out of that draining and toxic routine, and to finally be able to look forward instead of just getting by one day at a time.
I can't say that it wasn't tempting to vent to a more public audience, given who she is, but I know that that isn't right, and isn't the answer. Sure she treated me horribly, but it's not going to get me anywhere in the end to do that. I just pray that the child will some how, some way, grow up to be a normal human being with ethics, morals, respect for others, and values. Without God's divine intervention I can't see this happening. Given the way he has been raised so far, his behavior, and the influences in his life I can not see a good future for this poor child.
I also pity the poor soul who is duped into being the next nanny. No matter what the job pays it isn't worth it, not for the hours, pyhsical abuse from the child, mental abuse from the mother, belittling, toxic messes, cleaning, diaper changing, rudeness, etc, etc, etc. Looking back I am not sure how I lasted as long as I did, I should have gotten out long ago.
Sigh. Breath in. Breath out. Let it go. Move forward. Trust in God.
Now it's time to look for a new job. A new start. A new chapter. Finally.
Time to do what is healthy for me.
The biggest and possible the best change has to be losing my job last night. While it was infuriating and stupid the way it happened it is good to be free. So many horror stories to tell. This has to possibly be one of the worst jobs I have ever worked. After working a year for this woman, each day progressively worst than the last, culminating in getting in trouble for not allowing a 4 year old to play with cleaning products, being belittled and treated like crap, she fired me via text message last night.
I'd like to say I'm upset about this but really I'm just relieved. I am so glad to finally be free from the toxicity. It is hard letting go of the tension that has built up and releasing the emotional burden that I have been carrying for a year now. It's weird to finally be stepping out of that draining and toxic routine, and to finally be able to look forward instead of just getting by one day at a time.
I can't say that it wasn't tempting to vent to a more public audience, given who she is, but I know that that isn't right, and isn't the answer. Sure she treated me horribly, but it's not going to get me anywhere in the end to do that. I just pray that the child will some how, some way, grow up to be a normal human being with ethics, morals, respect for others, and values. Without God's divine intervention I can't see this happening. Given the way he has been raised so far, his behavior, and the influences in his life I can not see a good future for this poor child.
I also pity the poor soul who is duped into being the next nanny. No matter what the job pays it isn't worth it, not for the hours, pyhsical abuse from the child, mental abuse from the mother, belittling, toxic messes, cleaning, diaper changing, rudeness, etc, etc, etc. Looking back I am not sure how I lasted as long as I did, I should have gotten out long ago.
Sigh. Breath in. Breath out. Let it go. Move forward. Trust in God.
Now it's time to look for a new job. A new start. A new chapter. Finally.
Time to do what is healthy for me.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Salvation
This was my recent status on Face book: "Ever notice how the words "wicked" and "wiccan" sound alike? I don't think that this is a coincidence..." After giving much thought to this idea and given my past I felt that it warranted some discourse.
In high school I hung out with the wrong crowd, this followed me out of high school and accompanied me for the 2 years following high school. These friends were kind, funny and wiccan. I loved them dearly. We spent a great deal of time together, we invested into each others lives and we bonded. During the time I was friends with them they were open about their wiccan practices, and while I never fully participated in their practices I also never avoided them. I truly did not know what I believed in. I was searching for a high being, a God, a connection and a faith. I knew that God existed, but only because I saw the demonic that accompanied my friends practices. I have heard many arguments that wiccan is not demonic, and that it is Earth worship, but that was never my experience.
My experience consisted of hiding in a bathroom because demons had chased my friends home from the cemetery where they were, for lack of a better term, playing around. It consisted of watching my best friend become possessed by a demon and try to choke herself. It consisted of seeing demons in my bedroom at night. Most of all it consisted of fear, evil, pain and sadness.
At the end of my friendship with them I had to terminate every connection with them. It was painful, gut wrenching and tear filled. I recognized that I could no longer live in this setting. My mind was incapable of existing in that place of fear for a longer term. I recognized the evil that existed in this world and was forced to sever connections that I had invested a great deal of myself into in order to attempt to free myself from some of the evil that had permeated me.
After all of this I found myself searching for something good, something to believe in, something eternal to invest in, something to hope in. It took many heartbreaks, what felt like oceans of tears, years of loneliness and hopelessness. After all of it I found God. Or rather I should say that He found me. I found everything that I had been searching for and so much more. I found faith, hope, love, forgiveness, redemption, strength, courage, joy, peace, grace and most of all God. I don't write this as a regurgitation of sermons I've heard, books I've read or conversations I've had. I write this out of personal experience.
I've lived the life of my own decisions and I found myself running in circles, chasing after smoke and mirrors. That life only lead me to confusion, pain, heartbreak and loneliness. I know am choosing to live my life for something more. This decision is slowly reshaping me from the inside out. It's altering my thoughts on right and wrong. It's also causing me to feel sadness over things that I never gave much thought to before.
It still amazes me how a single verse in the Bible can sum up my feelings at any given moment. Each day I read and discover something new, I find new verses that suit my thoughts and emotions of that moment and of that day.
Above all this verse captures what has changed within me, and the way I choose to I live my life from now to eternity:
In high school I hung out with the wrong crowd, this followed me out of high school and accompanied me for the 2 years following high school. These friends were kind, funny and wiccan. I loved them dearly. We spent a great deal of time together, we invested into each others lives and we bonded. During the time I was friends with them they were open about their wiccan practices, and while I never fully participated in their practices I also never avoided them. I truly did not know what I believed in. I was searching for a high being, a God, a connection and a faith. I knew that God existed, but only because I saw the demonic that accompanied my friends practices. I have heard many arguments that wiccan is not demonic, and that it is Earth worship, but that was never my experience.
My experience consisted of hiding in a bathroom because demons had chased my friends home from the cemetery where they were, for lack of a better term, playing around. It consisted of watching my best friend become possessed by a demon and try to choke herself. It consisted of seeing demons in my bedroom at night. Most of all it consisted of fear, evil, pain and sadness.
At the end of my friendship with them I had to terminate every connection with them. It was painful, gut wrenching and tear filled. I recognized that I could no longer live in this setting. My mind was incapable of existing in that place of fear for a longer term. I recognized the evil that existed in this world and was forced to sever connections that I had invested a great deal of myself into in order to attempt to free myself from some of the evil that had permeated me.
After all of this I found myself searching for something good, something to believe in, something eternal to invest in, something to hope in. It took many heartbreaks, what felt like oceans of tears, years of loneliness and hopelessness. After all of it I found God. Or rather I should say that He found me. I found everything that I had been searching for and so much more. I found faith, hope, love, forgiveness, redemption, strength, courage, joy, peace, grace and most of all God. I don't write this as a regurgitation of sermons I've heard, books I've read or conversations I've had. I write this out of personal experience.
I've lived the life of my own decisions and I found myself running in circles, chasing after smoke and mirrors. That life only lead me to confusion, pain, heartbreak and loneliness. I know am choosing to live my life for something more. This decision is slowly reshaping me from the inside out. It's altering my thoughts on right and wrong. It's also causing me to feel sadness over things that I never gave much thought to before.
It still amazes me how a single verse in the Bible can sum up my feelings at any given moment. Each day I read and discover something new, I find new verses that suit my thoughts and emotions of that moment and of that day.
Above all this verse captures what has changed within me, and the way I choose to I live my life from now to eternity:
I have been crucified with Christ [in Him I have shared His crucifixion]; it is no longer I who live, but Christ (the Messiah) lives in me; and the life I now live in the body I live by faith in (by adherence to and reliance on and complete trust in) the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.
Galatians 2:20
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=galatians%202&version=AMP
Monday, February 15, 2010
No More "If Only's"
One of the biggest things that has caused me to struggle with my self image has been the comments that were made by others out of envy or spite. I can still vividly recall the day in grade school when a boy made the cruel comment that I have a double chin; he had probably only just learned the word and was looking for a way to use it, irregardless it hurt, and has stuck with me to this day. Or there was the day in high school when my so called best friend said that I was looking a little "pooch-y" and asked if I was pregnant. I know now that she was no friend, she used people and she put everyone down to make herself feel better. She had a horrible self image and completely lacked self respect. This comment however contributed to my subsequent body image issues and false perception of my body. I don't blame her for the problems that I struggle with, these were my own. I do blame her for the way she treated others and the comments she choose to make about others.
Over the past 15+ years I have tried fad diets, contemplated plastic surgery, exercised to extremes, hidden under layers of clothing, and when all else failed tried to be invisible. Much like Princess Mia in The Princess Diaries, my whole goal in life was to be invisible, to go unnoticed, to avoid drawing attention to myself in any way. All out of the fear of having more unkind comments added to those I already carried around, like rocks within my spirit.
I am now realizing that it is time for me to lay these rocks down. The first step of this was to destroy the lies, the second part is this: To let go of the "If Only's".
I am now realizing that if I were to get plastic surgery it would never end. The idea that "If Only" I had this or nipped, tucked, sucked, or plumped would not get rid of the thoughts in my head. Not only that but once I begin that journey it would never end. Once I had one thing done I would end up fixating on another feature, it would never end, I would perpetually find more and more "faults" with my body. The only area that needs surgery is the false ideas. The destructive thoughts are the only things that need to be surgically removed. Once that it accomplished then and only then will I see myself as I am, as God created me. Beautiful and unique, truly one of a kind.
God did not create me to be invisible, or to abuse my body the way I have. I was created to bring Him glory, to worship Him, and to live in relationship with Him. I can not change my past or how I have treated myself, but I can change my future, I can change my thoughts, and I can change my perception. I can also forgive myself and forgive others for what they have done and said. In forgiving them I know that I do not condone their words or actions, but I do remove the cancer-like tumor of resentment, anger, fear, and pain. I can lay down the stones that have weighed on me and live. That is something worth doing.
Over the past 15+ years I have tried fad diets, contemplated plastic surgery, exercised to extremes, hidden under layers of clothing, and when all else failed tried to be invisible. Much like Princess Mia in The Princess Diaries, my whole goal in life was to be invisible, to go unnoticed, to avoid drawing attention to myself in any way. All out of the fear of having more unkind comments added to those I already carried around, like rocks within my spirit.
I am now realizing that it is time for me to lay these rocks down. The first step of this was to destroy the lies, the second part is this: To let go of the "If Only's".
I am now realizing that if I were to get plastic surgery it would never end. The idea that "If Only" I had this or nipped, tucked, sucked, or plumped would not get rid of the thoughts in my head. Not only that but once I begin that journey it would never end. Once I had one thing done I would end up fixating on another feature, it would never end, I would perpetually find more and more "faults" with my body. The only area that needs surgery is the false ideas. The destructive thoughts are the only things that need to be surgically removed. Once that it accomplished then and only then will I see myself as I am, as God created me. Beautiful and unique, truly one of a kind.
God did not create me to be invisible, or to abuse my body the way I have. I was created to bring Him glory, to worship Him, and to live in relationship with Him. I can not change my past or how I have treated myself, but I can change my future, I can change my thoughts, and I can change my perception. I can also forgive myself and forgive others for what they have done and said. In forgiving them I know that I do not condone their words or actions, but I do remove the cancer-like tumor of resentment, anger, fear, and pain. I can lay down the stones that have weighed on me and live. That is something worth doing.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Step 1: Desroy the Lies
Why is it that we trust our friends with everything excepts their opinion? Let me explain, we trust our friends to catch us when we fall, to keep our secrets, and even to care for our belongings. We confide in them with the understanding that they won't, if they are a true friend, go telling everyone they meet about your inner most secrets. Yet why is it that we don't believe them when they tell us that we aren't fat or ugly or stupid or anything else negative that we say about ourselves. At any given point within a conversation my own insecurities will surface, and being human I give voice to them. It usually goes along the lines of "I'm fat", "these jeans make my butt look big", "I didn't get that joke I must be stupid". It goes on and on and on, toxic thoughts spewing forth from my mouth. Yet no matter the friend, no matter the depth of the relationship they are there reassuring me that I am not fat, I do not have a big butt, I am not stupid. But because I have bought so far into the lie I can not hear the truth in their words, I can not apply the same unconditional trust I have in them in all other areas to this.
I think that my biggest hang up, or at least one of them is that I don't want to think well of myself out of the fear that I will be labeled vain, stuck up or conceited. It is hard for me to come to terms with the idea that it is okay to think well of myself. The biggest problem with this for me has been other girls. We all have encountered the type,the one who will do or say anything to bring someone else down. I know that they only do it to draw attention from their own insecurities, I understand the psychology behind the action, but I still buy into it, hear their words and allow them to affect me causing long term pain, suffering and low self-esteem. It's not easy to ignore someone saying that you are fat, or stupid, or like I was once told, you have a double chin. And when you do ignore them you are called vain or stuck up. But maybe, just maybe it is okay to be called vain and stuck up? Maybe just, maybe it's okay to ignore their words, ignore the venom. Maybe. I think that Jesus would still love me even if I did learn to love myself. After all God doesn't create garbage, He put so much thought and effort into creating each and everyone of us. Who am I to criticise the artistry of His hands?
There is only one being that I know of who would want me to discount the work of God's hands and to not see the beauty in it. Satan. Looking at it in writing seems so simple, all I need to do is call Satan a liar and the rest is cake, the lies disappear. Wrong. I am learning that in order to learn to love myself as I am I need to be constantly aware of the thoughts that are in my head. Satan is sneaky, therefore I need to be on guard.
This is my goal, my project as it were. Step one on the path of destroying the lies that Satan has weaved into my thoughts. From now on, every time I look in the mirror I am going to tell myself "I am beautiful". I am not going to allow the old thoughts of "this is as good as it gets", "what a train wreck" or "what a waste of make up" to enter into my mind any more. I know that it's not going to be easy, the last thing that Satan wants is for me to see myself as God sees me, and He is going to throw a lot at me to prevent this. Being aware of that I am hoping will give me an advantage. And if all else fails... pray.
1 Samuel 16:7
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
I think that my biggest hang up, or at least one of them is that I don't want to think well of myself out of the fear that I will be labeled vain, stuck up or conceited. It is hard for me to come to terms with the idea that it is okay to think well of myself. The biggest problem with this for me has been other girls. We all have encountered the type,the one who will do or say anything to bring someone else down. I know that they only do it to draw attention from their own insecurities, I understand the psychology behind the action, but I still buy into it, hear their words and allow them to affect me causing long term pain, suffering and low self-esteem. It's not easy to ignore someone saying that you are fat, or stupid, or like I was once told, you have a double chin. And when you do ignore them you are called vain or stuck up. But maybe, just maybe it is okay to be called vain and stuck up? Maybe just, maybe it's okay to ignore their words, ignore the venom. Maybe. I think that Jesus would still love me even if I did learn to love myself. After all God doesn't create garbage, He put so much thought and effort into creating each and everyone of us. Who am I to criticise the artistry of His hands?
There is only one being that I know of who would want me to discount the work of God's hands and to not see the beauty in it. Satan. Looking at it in writing seems so simple, all I need to do is call Satan a liar and the rest is cake, the lies disappear. Wrong. I am learning that in order to learn to love myself as I am I need to be constantly aware of the thoughts that are in my head. Satan is sneaky, therefore I need to be on guard.
This is my goal, my project as it were. Step one on the path of destroying the lies that Satan has weaved into my thoughts. From now on, every time I look in the mirror I am going to tell myself "I am beautiful". I am not going to allow the old thoughts of "this is as good as it gets", "what a train wreck" or "what a waste of make up" to enter into my mind any more. I know that it's not going to be easy, the last thing that Satan wants is for me to see myself as God sees me, and He is going to throw a lot at me to prevent this. Being aware of that I am hoping will give me an advantage. And if all else fails... pray.
1 Samuel 16:7
"But the Lord said to Samuel, Look not on his appearance or at the height of his stature, for I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees; for man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."
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