No More "If Only's"

One of the biggest things that has caused me to struggle with my self image has been the comments that were made by others out of envy or spite. I can still vividly recall the day in grade school when a boy made the cruel comment that I have a double chin; he had probably only just learned the word and was looking for a way to use it, irregardless it hurt, and has stuck with me to this day. Or there was the day in high school when my so called best friend said that I was looking a little "pooch-y" and asked if I was pregnant. I know now that she was no friend, she used people and she put everyone down to make herself feel better. She had a horrible self image and completely lacked self respect. This comment however contributed to my subsequent body image issues and false perception of my body. I don't blame her for the problems that I struggle with, these were my own. I do blame her for the way she treated others and the comments she choose to make about others.

Over the past 15+ years I have tried fad diets, contemplated plastic surgery, exercised to extremes, hidden under layers of clothing, and when all else failed tried to be invisible. Much like Princess Mia in The Princess Diaries, my whole goal in life was to be invisible, to go unnoticed, to avoid drawing attention to myself in any way. All out of the fear of having more unkind comments added to those I already carried around, like rocks within my spirit.

I am now realizing that it is time for me to lay these rocks down. The first step of this was to destroy the lies, the second part is this: To let go of the "If Only's".

I am now realizing that if I were to get plastic surgery it would never end. The idea that "If Only" I had this or nipped, tucked, sucked, or plumped would not get rid of the thoughts in my head. Not only that but once I begin that journey it would never end. Once I had one thing done I would end up fixating on another feature, it would never end, I would perpetually find more and more "faults" with my body. The only area that needs surgery is the false ideas. The destructive thoughts are the only things that need to be surgically removed. Once that it accomplished then and only then will I see myself as I am, as God created me. Beautiful and unique, truly one of a kind.

God did not create me to be invisible, or to abuse my body the way I have. I was created to bring Him glory, to worship Him, and to live in relationship with Him. I can not change my past or how I have treated myself, but I can change my future, I can change my thoughts, and I can change my perception. I can also forgive myself and forgive others for what they have done and said. In forgiving them I know that I do not condone their words or actions, but I do remove the cancer-like tumor of resentment, anger, fear, and pain. I can lay down the stones that have weighed on me and live. That is something worth doing.