I'm getting old.

I feel like I've been trying to cram several lives into the span of a single lifetime. It's very strange. I've been so many things, tried so many things, and done so many different jobs that it's all becoming a bit of a blur. I have to stop and think now when I tell a story from my past and then it's like "wow, that was 3, 4, 5... years ago" it doesn't seem like that much. Time is beginning to blur. Some of that is a good thing though, the bad memories are starting to get blurry. But it makes me feel old. The large amounts of free time at work have given me a lot of time to think and reflect, maybe that's good and maybe that's bad. All I know is that I'm starting to dread my birthday. Not long ago it seemed far off and now it feels like the days are flying towards me and I have literally nothing to show for myself.
They say that life isn't about the number of breaths you take but about the number of moments that take your breath away. I wish I could know that was true. Right now I feel like I'm just floating along waiting for life to hand me the next pile of poo for me to sludge through. Most of my time seems to be spent shifting from one problem to the next, working my way through each obstacle, but never actually going anywhere. Where is the point when you stop going from problem to problem and start making a life? I'm going to be another year older soon and honestly, I can't say that I've accomplished much other than just getting by.

My car hates me.

For anyone who hadn't guessed, I love my car. I may not be the best at taking care of it, and sometimes, well most of the time, that shows. But honestly I do love my car. I know that that may be a weird thing for a girl to say, but hey, I guess I've never been overly normal. That being said, I am becoming convinced that my car doesn't hold the same feeling towards me.

I try to do my best by it, but some how it still ends up lacking in some way. I've never run out of gas or gotten a flat tire, but some how that doesn't cause my car to love me. I try to get regular tune ups, and oil changes, but let's face it, I'm not the best at this. I admit it. As much as I love my car, it does get neglected.

Still, I was surprised when the "Check Engine" light came on. At first I thought that it must be a joke. My cars way of trying to get even for all the neglect and lack of regular car washes. So, I got an oil change. I made a deal with my car, I'd get the oil change, and it would make that stupid light go away. No dice. I begged, I pleaded. It still wouldn't go away. Every time I got into my car it was a glaring reminder of the loathing that my car has for me. An angry light beaming up from the dash. Just screaming at me over and over. Lecturing me on my lack of proper maintenance and up keep. I kept wishing every time I got in the car that it would go away. I'd close my eyes and plead with the car to forgive me and just make it go away. Still no dice. Every time I turned on the car, there it was, like a beacon there for all to see.

I finally broke down, stopped pleading and took it into the shop to get looked at. Now the glaring beacon of loathing is gone, for now at least. It's only a matter of time before my car finds another way to show it's true feelings for me.

more on waiting (that didn't take long)

No, waiting is not impassive. It's actually more along the lines of, actively trusting.
Psalm 37,34. Wait for the Lord and keep his way. And He will exalt you and you will inherit the land.

Waiting is hard work. You are consitently giving it up, your conception of controling the goal, up to Him. Because it will happen, without any help from you.

Perhaps I am actually talking about faith, and willingly giving up your perception of control. And then waiting for God.

It's come to me recently that we are kids. Or rather, when I was a child, I went to bed each night and never had a thought about what would happen tomorrow. I never worried about the future. I had total trust in my parents that they knew what they were doing. Now, we are God's children. Of course, how should we be acting?
With total trust that our Father has the answer to tomorrow's quesiton all settled.
We don't need to worry!

Sort of two different messages, but I think it's in a good spot.

Waiting for tomorrow

I think that the biggest thing that we learn that isn't true is that waiting is a passive thing. I learned that this thinking was wrong from my advent book actually. When Mary was pregnant she had to wait, wait for the timing to be right, wait for God's word to be full filled, wait, wait, wait. But she was anything but passive about waiting. She was very active in it. Every word that was spoken to her about the baby she was carrying she stored up in her heart. She was joyful about it, living in the moment. In America we are taught that we shouldn't have to wait. We live in a nation of fast food and immediate gratification. In order to live a full life we need to un-train ourselves from that mentality and learn to live in the moment, for the moment. In order to hear God better we have to be in that moment with Him, not looking forwards, planning out the next moment. If we spend all of our time living in the future we'll miss the things that are right in front of us. We'll miss out on the full life that God has promised us.

it's not true-dispite everything telling me different.

So I've started to run. I've heard from lots of people what a great sport it is-how good it makes you feel, how little you need to actually do it.
Walking seemed just fine for me. It's not as fast, but still, the throbbing in my feet and legs afterward-not to mention something I'm sure I saw on TV, told me walking was just as good. Really, I am sure it's all just fantastic, and the only difference is speed and how quickly you feel like you really can't go forward anymore, please shoot me.

But I report, running is different. It's different because my body immediately informs me that this pace won't get us from a to b that much faster, do we really have to? When I tell my body to shut up and deal with it, it does, but with a warning that we will all be sure to die soon. My body is fond of exaggeration. Plus running doesn't have that much room for thinking-it feels like all the mental rescorces are taken up with the effort of lying to my body. My mental voice, when I've paid attention, seems to go like this.
One foot in front of other, at least to that tree. Tree accomplished, goal! Now to that rock.
I'm also not so much a runner that I see any need to run in full sun, on pavement. I walk to field, there's a dirt path, and it's shady. Anyone would tell me that I am not really jogging-but since I have yet to convince everything from the neck down that we're doing this at all-I don't really care.
I'm can't say that I look all that in shape, but I've never thought I looked terrible either. I'm doing this because it's always irked me that other's can run a strech, and there isn't an increase (that I've noticed) in their breathing. Those people, of course, look at me and are like, we're not even going that fast, and that's your top speed, and you're outta breath? It's good that I have nothing to do with those people anymore. But it gives me a smug feeling, that with this regularity, I will be healther.
I'm noticeing that all this running has an immediate effect right afterwards. Heart races, and bum bum bum, there is so much extra blood...it's worth an extra little bit to keep that feeling.

Music.

Every culture uses music to express emotions, convey ideas and to tell stories. It is an intrinsic part of each society and culture on this planet. Music makes up the back ground noise everyday in America. You can’t enter a store, restaurant or elevator without encountering music. Most people don’t realize that music can not only bring pleasure to the listener but it can also be used to control the emotions of the listener. Retail stores were quick to discover this truth; they learned that playing loud music with a rapid beat lead to more spontaneous purchasing and there by generated more income for the stores. What does this mean in everyday life?

To me this means that I need to become more conscious about the music I allow into my life. Given the subconscious effects that music can have on my day to day life and disposition why wouldn’t one want to exert a positive influence on this? Music can change emotions and reshape your outlook on a situation. You can alter your mood simply by listening to a different type of music. Some music can make you happy, some can make you sad, some can make you angry; some has even been said to make you hungry or suppress your appetite.

Given the prevalence of music around us, and the amount of stores, restaurants and businesses using it to control our decision making abilities, why are we not taking back control? Possibly because it is a passive battle; one that is fought without anyone every being aware that it is happening. We often associate battles with physical fighting and physical harm being inflicted upon the combatants. More often than not the most damaging battles are the ones that are fought without an actual shot being fired or a punch being thrown.

I have begun taking back control. About a year ago I realized that listening to depressing music when I was depressed did me no good. In fact it probably only made things worse. Instead I began to listen to happy music when I was sad. It was a frustrating change at first; the joy in the songs would grate on my nerves and make me irritable. After all if I was upset why would I want to be cheered up? I was upset for a reason and my emotions at the time felt justified. After a couple of songs I would begin to feel just a bit silly, I would begin to think about things more objectively. I now longer had the unspoken agreement to my irrationality; instead the music was just unbiased, irrelevant background noise.

We are what we repeatedly do. ~ Aristotle, Greek critic, philosopher, physicist, & zoologist (384 BC - 322 BC)

Twilight, What's the big deal?

““Twilight” took a giant bite out of the North American box office over the weekend, selling an estimated $70.6 million in tickets and proving that a wholesome love story can still turn out a huge young-adult audience.” ~New York Times

“The four books -- "Twilight," "New Moon," "Eclipse" and "Breaking Dawn" -- have held the top four spots on USA Today's bestseller list, which unlike some lists ranks young adult books alongside adult fiction, for the past two weeks."For the past three years we've been steadily getting more fans, so when 'Breaking Dawn' came out (in August) it sold 1.3 mill ion copies on the first day in the U.S.," Eulberg said.” ~Reuters Entertainment News


With the huge profit created by a series based upon a mythical theme many are wondering what the big deal is. Girls are flocking to the story in hordes; many seeing the movies multiple times. Yet there is still a puzzling element to the hype that has many questioning what the draw is. What is the elusive element that is drawing such high sales figures? There is a lot that can be gleaned from this story other than the element of purity that has already been marketed in relation to the story. The fact that it is a love story is obvious. But is there anything more than that?

Yes. To those willing to listen to the raving fans; there is more to it than that. This story that was marketed and targeted to the t’ween demographic has surprisingly drawn and older following. In talking to the older fans one can come to understand that there is more to this than the marketing.

For older fans this story gives them hope that maybe somewhere out there is a guy that will treat them right. The character of Edward is more to them than a fictional being. He is the incarnation of what they want. A man that will cherish and protect the one he loves; an element of chivalry that is missing from today’s society.

Some may have heard this already, but if a one wants to learn the way to a woman’s heart he could benefit from watching Twilight. In looking past the story there is an element to this that is the voice of women. Women searching for the one guy that will be different from all the others that they have known; the one guy that will treat them the way that they deserve, the one guy that will act with love and chivalry.

Perhaps it is the hope and the dream of such a love story. One that overcomes obstacles continues to blossom and grow. Perhaps it is the hope that some where there is that one guy that will play the role of Edward for each of us.